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The Fantasy Fantasy Baseball draft
By The Playmaker | April 1, 2008
Ever wonder what it be like to see your favorite fake baseball heroes appear on the real stage? Just think . . . . . . Rick ‘Wild Thing’ Vaughn stands on the hill, kicks and fires, and proceeds to put one right in Barry Bonds’ earhole. That’d sure as hell make my weekend. Well here ya go – my top 20 (your typical 2 round total for a fantasy baseball rotisserie league)
1. Ebby Calvin “Nuke” Laloosh– who else but the young hothead with a million dollar arm and a 5 cent head? His potential is off the charts, and thats really all you need now days. You dont have to be good, you just need the possibility that you could one day be good. Plus you could just tell the Yankees that he’s really 35, past his prime, and had once won 20 games in a season, and Hank Steinbrenner will give him 70 million over 4 years.
2. Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn – The ladies love him. He can throw the ball threw a brick wall. And he’s got a criminal record. Its a good thing he’s not a football player or you’d have to fight the Bengals for him.
3. Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez – His upside is emourmous. Probably has the most raw talent out of anyone on the board. Not bad for a 12 year old. Plus he wears PF Flyers so he know he’s always got a little something extra in the tank.
4. Jack Elliot – You take him here not for his talent, but for having the best ’stache this side of Gorman Thomas
5. Jake Taylor– Will never win any contests when it comes to talent, and why would he? He’s a 40+ year old Catcher with bad knees. But he’s the ‘manager on the field’ any team full of youngsters would die for.
6. Jack Parkman – It’ll cost an arm, a leg, at least one testicle and probably good portion of your scalp, but if he gives you 40 HR - 140 RBI - .330 BA and draws attention to the ball club by being an asshole, then i say go for it.
7. Roy Hobbs – The prototypical 5 tool player . . . and he pitches . . . and he’s lefty. Too much value to pass up here.
8. Henry Rowengardner– He slides this far because of concerns about the durability of his throwing arm. But he can start, come out of the bullpen, and do Pepsi commercials. So you grab him here and pray he stays healthy.
9. Willie Mays Hayes– He plays like Mays, runs like Hayes, and hits like his sister. But you wave your concerns about his pedestrian offense and soak up his 100+ steals and subsequent movie deals starring opposite Jessie ‘The Body’ Ventura
10. Lenny Harris – A personal favorite of mine. And who doesnt love the crafty vet who puts anything and everything he can on the ball to give him an edge. Upon seeing him pitch for the first time when i was but a wee lad, i asked my mom for some Vagisil.
i think you guys know how the rest of that conversation went
11. Crash Davis – The All time Minor League Home Run Champ slides a bit, but only because no one can tell the difference between him and Billy Chappel
12. Bobby Rayburn – At the time of his creation, it seemed like a good idea to softly base a character on Barry Bonds (if you dont believe me, Watch The Fan with Wesley Snipes and Robert DeNiro. And if you still dont agree, then you’re an idiot) but now the similarities between the two hurt Rayburn’s draft stock.
13. Pedro Cerrano– You pick him and hope you get ‘Voo-Doo Pedro’ and not ’Buddha Pedro’. And who knows, he could become President someday
14. Isuro Tanaka — He only gets picked here because he will actually run through a well for your team. And then open up a mini-golf/batting cage/go cart complex.
15. Clue Haywood – He’ll give high BA, HR and RBI totals, as well as have more nose hair than most people thought possible
16. Roger Dorn — Its a shame this guy is an overpaid sissy, cause he can hit. So he pick him and then hope he grows a set.
17. Chet Steadman – I didnt really want to put him in here, but Gary Busey is fucking crazy, so this pick is more about self preservation than helping the ball club.
18. Scotty Smalls – He really fell off the map for a while, but he’s a David Eckstein type player. Nothing jumps off the page at you, but all the sudden you realize you’re glad he’s on your team.
19. Rube Baker– He’s a gamer, plain and simple. He wont win any awards for being smart, but we’re not trying to cure AIDS.
20. Ryan Dunn – i initially had a problem picking someone who was played by Freddie Prince Jr, but then his agent said that he was a package deal with Tanley Parrish, and thats more than enough value at pick 20.
and speaking of chicks that did movies with Freddie Jr . . ..
(there are 5 links there, make sure you hit em all)
your welcome.
p.s. fuck the Cubs
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