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Mocking the Mock Draft
By The Playmaker | April 17, 2008
Could it be too early for me write to write a little tidbit about the NFL Draft? Some may say yes, others may say no. To those of you who say yes, well then fuck you. To those of you who say no, well then God bless all of you. You guys are in for a real treat.
NOTE – I’m also writing this in an effort to beat Henry from writing about the draft first. Although the further along you read, the more you’ll become aware that you wont really learn anything from what I’m about to write.
and now, on with the countdown . . . . . .
ROUND 1
1. MIAMI DOLPHINS – Keshawyn Johnson, Curtis Martin, Terry Glenn and Drew Bledsoe – You may find it odd that all of these old, past-their-prime NFL-lifers are sitting atop the first round, but in case you forgot, Bill Parcells is running the show down there now. (if you think anyone else has a say in what goes on down there you are a fool) And these guys seem to follow Parcells wherever his travels take him. And of all the things you’re gonna read about, this one has the biggest possibility of fulfilling itself.
2. ST. LOUIS RAMS – Nelly – He’s been somewhat quiet recently, but this St. Louis native slips past Parcells and Co. and the Rams are elated. They saw what he did against the guards and think he could be the next Marshall Faulk. Boy are they gonna be pissed.
3. ATLANTA FALCONS – Bobby Petrino – I know what most of you are thinking. WHAT?!?!? ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?!?!? HOW DUMB ARE YOU?!?!? But get this: after what Petrino did to this franchise, how funny would it be if the Falcons picked him, signed him, and then cut him during the 3rd quarter of week 3 in the Preseason
4. OAKLAND RAIDERS – A bucket of KFC – Does it really matter who, or in this case what, the Raiders pick? Al Davis will throw ungodly amounts of money at it because he’s crazy. And then Jamarcus Russell will probably end up eating it.
5. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS – Howie Mandel – He may not be what the Chiefs are looking for talent wise. But Herm Edwards and the Chiefs have made it perfectly clear on what their major concerns are . . .
6. NEW YORK JETS – This Kid – They’ll pay him 20 bucks a game to stand on the sideline and “signal in the defense”, or at least that’s what they hope everyone else thinks. Plus its a financial move, after all that money they spent this offseason 20 bucks a game is really all they can afford at this point
7. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS – WHAT?!?!? THEY GET TO PICK ALL THE WAY UP HERE? I DONT THINK SO!
8. BALTIMORE RAVENS – Matt Ryan – I can’t joke around here, these guys need a QB in all of the worst ways.
9. CINCINNATI BENGALS – Ron Mexico – Yeah, right. Like no one was gonna notice. . .
10. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – Darren McFadden – The draft was rigged 2 years ago (if you think otherwise you are a damn fool). So in ways known only to the people the Government refuses to know about, the best RB in the draft falls all the way to #10 and the Saints happily oblige.
11. BUFFALO BILLS – It doesnt really matter what i put here, as long as Dick Jauron is your Head Coach, your team is going nowhere.
12. DENVER BRONCOS – Some Running Back — for the sake of this argument we’ll say Rashard Mendenhall, which will then lead to Mike Shanahan playing flip-flop over who his starter will be, thereby ruining the fantasy seasons for millions across the globe. And as long as we’re at it, how about some condoms and a little will power for Travis Henry, and a book of good excuses for Brandon Marshall
13. CAROLINA PANTHERS – LESBIANS
14. CHICAGO BEARS – It doesn’t matter who or what they take, as long as Rex Grossman is your QB, your team is going nowhere.
15 DETROIT LIONS – John McCain – Matt Millen strikes again. The Lions make this pick because running for President is on McCain’s Bucket List and he’ll be dead in a month, giving Millen something to point towards when he’s asked why his team sucks again this year.
16. ARIZONA CARDINALS – Nick Lachey — They take this no talent hack in hopes that they can either trade him or kill him. And then maybe he’ll leave Matt Leinart alone and he can finally become a decent QB
17. MINNESOTA VIKINGS – Rico Dynamite – No one really knows much about this guy. But somehow the Vikings got a hold of one of his workout tapes. Which is rumored to be capped off by Rico throwing a football over those mountains
18. HOUSTON TEXANS – Super Mario — This one catches people off guard a little, but people in the Texans front office figure two Super Mario’s are better than one
19. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEARS – Brian Brohm — Yes they add another QB to their roster. No, Jon Gruden does not want to talk about it.
20. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES – Steve Kraft – The Eagles snag this kid here, pair him up with Asante Samuel, and watch as opponents cant complete a pass against them all year.
21. WASHINTON REDSKINS – The Skins are a little strapped for cash, and as they run out of time they panic and accidentally turn in a chinese food takeout menu instead of their selection. So they end up with order #21 which happens to be a bucket of chinese spare ribs, which also happen to resemble Joe Theisman’s leg
22. DALLAS COWBOYS – This old lady — So maybe Tony Romo will concentrate on Football instead of taking his girl to Mexico
23. PITTSBURGH STEELERS – Manute Bol – Big Ben wants tall receivers, he gets tall receivers
24. TENNESSEE TITANS – Smash Williams – Running Back isn’t a huge need for the Flaming Thumbtacks, but players with “The Smash’s” clutch factor are rare
25. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS – Ahmad Carroll – I’m hoping that somehow Mike Sherman stumbles across this, and then finally sees how ridiculous this move was.
26. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – HER
27. WHALES VAGINA cHARGERS — Brandon Flowers – Possible real pick?? Maybe, but he will undoubtably be nicknamed ‘BRANDON “someone told me there’s a girl out there, with love in her eyes and FLOWERS” in her hair” by Chris Berman
28. DALLAS COWBOYS — WHAT!?!?!? THESE GUYS GET TO PICK AGAIN?? THAT’S HORSESHIT!
29. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS – Some kleenex for Vernon Davis, and maybe some drive and ambition for Ashley Lelie. And maybe a QB, cause Alex Smith ain’t the answer.
30. GREEN BAY PACKERS – Is everyone strapped in? If not then do it quick, this one is gonna take awhile.
Green Bay makes the following trades:
#30 to ATL for #34, #212, #232
#34 to BUF for #74, #219, #224
#56 to NE for #94, #197, #238
#74 to IND for #93, #196, #236
#91 to NYG for #165, #194, #198
#93 to PHI for #184, #191, #230
#94 to JAX for #143, #158, #159
#102 to OAK for #169, #213, #226
#113 to KC for #136, #140, #210, #239
#128 to MIA for #195, #208
#136 to SF for #174, #214
Did you guys catch all that? Hang on though, we’re not done yet. here’s where it gets tricky . . .
#143 & #158 to DEN for #139, #220, #227
then: #139 to MIN for #182, #193, #209
Now upon seeing all of this, Packers GM Ted “The White Wizard” Thompson realizes that he doesnt have enought time to make all of these picks. So he swings a slew of 1-for-1 trades so he can get his act together:
#159 to BAL for #215
#162 to DET for #216
#165 to STL for #217
#169 to NO for #218
#174 to CAR for #221
#182 to CHI for #222
#184 to HOU for #223
#191 to ARZ for #225
#193 to WAS for #228
#194 to TEN for #229
#195 to CLE for #231
#196 to SEA for #233
#197 to SD for #234
#198 to DAL for #235
Now after all of that, Green Bay keeps its round 7 selection (#237) as well as its Compensatory selection it was rewarded due to the loss of Ahman Green and the non-acquisition of any notable Free Agents (#135). So T “TWW” T has now acquired all of the non-compensatory 7 round picks. But just for the hell of it he goes ahead and tabs Long Snapper Brett Gilbertson with his 4th round compensatory pick (someones got to fill in for Rob Davis right?) And them he grabs as he would say “32 really great footballs guys that strengthen the depth of our the team” in the 7th round
31. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS – yeah right . . .
32. NEW YORK GIANTS – Tiki Barber – They draft him, then sign him and make him watch the rest of the team receive their Super Bowl rings during a pregame Week 1 ceremony. Then they force him to retire and watch Michael Strahan special interest peices from the ESPN NFL Countdown vault.
P.S. fuck the cubs
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